1 Hour for Kids

This United Way initiative has been my sole focus as an Americorps VISTA. My work days are 99% devoted to it (and 1% devoted to finding free food in the office kitchen). Check out this fantastic 10 minute video that explains why it's so important to mentor a middle school student.

this is not my beautiful house

I'm having one of those "somehow I'm in Texas, about 900 miles from where I grew up, living in an apartment with my boyfriend of 8+ years and our dog, with a Masters degree, earning $909/month" kind of moments.

One thing that I've found, and I'm finding this is common among my friends, is that because I never set specific, achievable goals for myself I feel in this constant state of disbelief and uncertainty....disbelertainty. I never set out a plan beyond finishing college. It wasn't like:

1) 22 = finish college

2) 23 = land high-paying dream job making leather shoes that turn into gloves that turn into purses

3) 24 = get engaged

4) 25 = get married

5) 26 = get house

6) 27 = get pregnant

So now I'm wondering how I got exactly where I am, if this is satisfactory, and where I go next. Even now, on year 27, I'm uncomfortable setting a plan for myself into the next year. Is it because I think I'll fail or is it because I've done okay so far...why start planning now? I tend to go one or two days at a time. I have no idea what I'm doing next week unless I look at my Outlook calendar.

It's interesting that despite all of this I still attempt to compare myself to other people. I mean other people chart different plans for themselves, maybe even the year by year plan like the one I outlined above, so what's the sense in judging myself by their plan? I need to assess myself and figure out want I want. I need to take stock of where I am and where I've come from to figure out what makes sense for me going ahead.

The weird thing is that not only can't I look forward but I can't look back especially well either. Before I call my parents (on a weekly or every other weekly basis) I always think, "okay, what has happened that I can tell them" and I find it a little stressful.

I find myself feeling pretty out of control of my life. Things happen to me about 70% of the time and the other 30% I actually feel like I have some agency. So with these percentages I end up thinking, "Why set goals when ultimately most things I want are someone else's decision?"

Examples:

1) I want to get published.

-Editors decide this.

2) I want to work at a youth-focused nonprofit.

-Hiring managers decide this.

3) I want to own a house.

-I'm not even sure who decides this...banks? This is how far I am from even starting this goal.

I guess this rambling has left me pretty certain I should set goals but also pretty certain I'm not going to. So where does that leave me? Hmm...